Can't Get It Out
by Aga Duha
Summary: Lily Evans is head-over-heels in love with James Potter. She knows this is for real but she has no claim on him. They aren't dating and neither had ever showed interest. The time finally comes and her actions are well returned... Pre-OotP


Hey everyone! This is my first attempt at something romantic so it might be really bad, but hey, I tried. I think it was based on a song but I can't remember, it was written way too long ago (well only two weeks, my memory is not that good). I have always loved L/J fics so I thought I may as well try my own! Here it is:  
  
`*`  
  
She was nervous.  
  
Understatement, she was scared to death.  
  
She knew she loved him. Loved, as if. She wanted to spend every moment of her life glued to his side, to spend every night sleeping next to him. She would die for him, sacrifice her very soul to keep him alive.  
  
But she couldn't tell him.  
  
You would think that something so important could be said. You would think even 'I Love You' would be easy enough to say, especially for self- confidant Lily Evans. It wasn't.  
  
She had been top of her class throughout her school years, prefect and then head-girl. All those years she had never been afraid to say something, it had gotten her into trouble once or twice but she had never been afraid to speak her mind. She was one of the best medi-witches in Europe, she gave orders every day, ones that could save a life, never hesitating. And she still couldn't find enough courage to say 'I Love You'. It shouldn't be that hard! Yet it was.  
  
She had been hurt many times, in many different relationships. She would tell a man that she loved him and he wouldn change the subject, or if he did answer, he lied. It had taught her not to trust. Never show your heart or he'll drop you as soon as he can.  
  
Now she felt nothing 'but' love, yet she was too scared to say anything. Scared that he would be like all those other men and leave or cheat or lie. That he would find someone more beautiful and realize he only lusted for Lily, not loved. Or worse that she would tell him she loved him and he would sit there, blank, not daring to say anything... because he didn't love her back...  
  
`*`  
  
She had fifteen minutes left. Five minutes of her break was gone, lost in the walk through the corridors. It was hard, hard to walk, hard to breath, not because of an injury - she had a clean bill of heath - but because she knew she would have to face him. And then she would have to tell him. Tell James Edward Potter the Fifth, that she loved him.  
  
She had decided yesterday to tell him. To try and face it when he stared blankly back. It was harder to face now that today had come.  
  
She doubled back, having passed the staff room while in her daze, took a deep breath and pushed the door open.  
  
There he was sitting on the couch reading 'Medi-Wizard of the Twentieth Century'. He looked up, and smiled, setting his magazine aside. They were alone in the room, the only two with breaks at this time.  
  
Panic once again washed over her. Merlin, she was frightened. What right did she have to say she loved him anyway!? They weren't even dating! She smiled back weakly and walked towards the couch. Oh, but she wanted him to love her so much.  
  
James moved over patting the seat beside him. Lily sat, tugging at her hair and smoothing imaginary wrinkles from her uniform self-concisely. Her hand shook as she conjured a muggle coffee and took a long, soothing drink. She couldn't see the love shining in his eyes also. How ironic that both of them were frightened out of their minds over the same few words, and niether were able to utter them. How ironic that she didn't see how happy he was to have her near him and how dismayed he was that she looked scared. Scared of him?  
  
He spoke, startling her enough to spill her coffee down her blouse. She charmed it away, blushing heartily.  
  
"You're late." He glanced at the clock hanging on the wall, a proper clock that actually told the time, unlike some wizard clocks. "Four minutes and twelve seconds to be exact. Usually you race down here."  
  
She struggled to find an excuse. "The - the corridors were extra busy today, it - it took me forever to make my way through." That was a lie. She had long ago learned how to weave her way through the bustle of the hospital's crowds.  
  
He raised an eyebrow, signaling that he did not believe her, but did not inquire further. "How has your day been then?"  
  
Many thoughts ran though her head, what to tell him? She couldn't bore him with the details of the group of youngsters that had came through near ten. They had insisted they were cursed and, unfortunately, were stubborn as mules. It had taken her nearly half an hour to convince them they were fine. And he wouldn't want to hear about Harry Thorpe, a sweet old wizard Lily had befriended two weeks ago. He had passed away this morning and - even though he had been suffering - it pained her to see him go. Nothing that had happened today seemed like something that would interest him.  
  
She ended up telling him the barest minimum, only briefly mentioning Mr. Thorpe and how she was attending his funeral on Friday. Only minimally saying that Mrs. Griffin had come in with her child Ben again, he had been messing with his fathers wand and grew a few extra limbs. She thought of telling him of old Ms. Jenkins, her lungs were acting up again. She owned five cats and loved them to death, unfortunately she was allergic to every piece of cat hair that came off them and came to the clinic once a week for a new Anti-Allergy Potion. No topic seemed to interest him.  
  
She glanced at the clock. Only eight minutes left!? How would she ever get this done?  
  
She searched for something new to say, something perfect to lead up to her announcement. She'd find something, and as soon as she began, she'd forget what the topic was. It left her sounding like an idiot. Stuttering, stumbling, restarting.  
  
She was trying to stay cool, collected. It definitely wasn't working. Unnoticed to her James smiled, he saw. He was doing the same thing, he was just better at hiding it.  
  
Another glance from Lily. Five minutes!? Where did the time keep going?  
  
She sank back into her own negative thoughts. Why should he care if I love him anyway? He probably has millions of better-looking females hanging all over him. Why should he care about one more? I can't get it out anyway.  
  
Two more minutes passed in silence. Both Doctors sunken deep into their thoughts.  
  
Gods, she's beautiful... James blinked, surprised at himself. Why was he staring so hard? She would notice something... Sure he knew he loved her. But if she didn't love him back...? What then?  
  
Lily looked up, gathering her courage. She had to do this, there was no way around it...  
  
"James-"  
  
"Well, isn't this cozy?" The voice broke through the silence, making them both jump. Dr. Hunter, stood in the doorway, he had entered unnoticed by either Lily or James. He smiled to show how sorry he was to walk in on such an important moment. "Sorry to break up the party, but you are needed in room 210, James. I'll head down there," He said with a not-so-discreet wink. "You can catch up..."  
  
Hunter turned with a smile and began down the corridor. The two stood, awkwardly searching for something to say. Damn! It took so long to just find the courage, now she was going to have to repeat the process tomorrow... Unless...  
  
James turned to leave but Lily spoke, calling him back.  
  
"James?" She mumbled, looking at the floor. "Good luck."  
  
He said the same to her and almost turned once again when she reached up and, in one swift movement, kissed him on the cheek. He smiled, knowing what it meant, one kiss could say so much.  
  
"I'll see you after work, Lils." He truly turned this time and strode down the corridor after Hunter, leaving Lily to beam silently at his back.  
  
Hey, she may not have 'said' I love you, but her way worked just as well... or better.  
  
`*`  
  
Yes, no? Romantic? Crappy? I need input! As I said before: This was my first attempt at something soppy so it may not have turned out how I wanted it to. Oh well... If you noticed anything wrong with the fic please tell me! I love criticism it helps me, and I need a lot of help! Okay well: Happy reading!  
  
MysticWood 


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